PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Less than two weeks after converging upon the site of a devastating magnitude 7.0 earthquake, American anthropologists have confirmed the discovery of a small, poverty-stricken island nation, known to its inhabitants as “Haiti.”
Located just 700 miles off the southeastern coast of Florida, the previously unaccounted-for country is believed to be home to an estimated 10 million people.
Even more astounding, reports now indicate that these people have likely inhabited the impoverished, destitute region—unnoticed by the rest of the world—for more than 300 years.
Researchers believe this was once the capital, though it’s unclear if the Haitian people ever had a truly functional government.
“That an entire civilization has been somehow existing right under our noses for all this time comes as a complete shock,” said University of Florida anthropology professor Dr. Ben Oliver, adding that it appeared as if Haiti’s citizens had been living under dangerous conditions even before the devastating earthquake struck. “Of course, there have been rumors in the past about a long-forgotten Caribbean nation whose people struggle every day to survive, live in constant fear of a corrupt government, and endure such squalor and hunger that they have resorted to eating dirt. But never did we give them much thought.”
Added Oliver, “Had it not been for this earthquake, I doubt we would have ever noticed Haiti at all.”
Though anthropologists said they still did not know much about Haiti’s history, they claimed that, by observing the Haitians’ reactions to this particular disaster, and studying the way the people had come together and taken solace in one another’s sorrows, it appeared as if most of them were accustomed to tragic, even horrific, events.
Researchers also came to the “startling” conclusion that Haiti’s inhabitants must have at some point in their history been exposed to the English language, as many seemed capable of uttering such phrases as “Help us,” and “Please don’t abandon us again.”
“They are normal people just like you and me,” said Harvard University’s Aimee Coughlin, who before last week had never come across any mention of the struggling island republic, whether in conversation, on television, or while scanning the front pages of newspapers. “They communicate with one another, they have families and loved ones, and they value religion. However, judging by the way they are fending for themselves—a position they seem almost resigned to—it’s clear these mysterious Haitian people don’t have much else.”
According to Coughlin, the Haitian civilization was discovered on the night of Jan. 12, when relief workers were rushed to several resorts in the Dominican Republic to see if any American tourists had been injured in the quake. During an aerial tour of the island of Hispaniola, members of the Red Cross noticed signs of human life coming from Haiti.
“When we first landed there, I thought, ‘No person could possibly live here,’” Oliver said. “Not only did the arid landscape look incapable of sustaining any sort of agriculture, but there was absolutely no infrastructure either. Had we known about this desperate, desperate place sooner, perhaps we could have shared some of our technological advancements with them.”
“I’ve vacationed just miles away in beautiful St. Kitts many times,” Oliver added. “Never did anyone say anything about this Haiti place.”
Members of the world community were equally shocked at the discovery of such an impoverished civilization. U.N. representatives noted that Haiti’s location puts it in the direct path of recent natural disasters such as Hurricanes Jeanne, Hanna, and Ike, disasters that probably caused massive flooding, disease, and death.
Likewise, leaders from a number of Western nations announced Tuesday that they were dumbfounded to learn people were still living without decent shelter, hospitals, or regular access to food and water.
“They must have had no way of communicating with the outside world, because had we known about these Haitians, we would have done everything in our power to help them,” U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said. “Of that I have no doubt.”
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Now, obviously I don’t believe that anything going on in Haiti is a joking matter, but this article does speak a little truth in satire don’t you think? Send all hate mail to Chris @ Side3.me
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i’m going to have to respectfully disagree with the character of this article.
a couple of quick disclaimers since, after all, this IS the internet…
#1 – i understand that the Onion’s purpose is to entertain through satire and cynicism.
#2 – i agree that Haiti is one of the most horrifying places in the world, even before the earthquake.
#3 – i understand that great suffering takes place there and elsewhere on earth. i would never act as if things ‘aren’t that bad there.’ they are.
with that said, i do take issue with some of the accusations of this ‘comical’ article.
the presence of suffering does not equal the absence of compassion.
yes, great suffering was present in Haiti before the earthquake, but there has also been compassion. there have long been churches and aid organizations and philanthropic groups that have reached out to Haiti with physical assistance and the Gospel.
‘we’ haven’t eradicated suffering there, because that is not possible. suffering will exist until the Lord returns to redeem the fallen creation. until then, we are to help those who need help and bring the Gospel wherever we go. help and hope.
suffering is not limited to the country that CNN decides to cover that week or the 10 poorest nations of 2009. there is suffering everywhere. Haiti, eastern Europe, the jungles of South America, the United States. that doesn’t mean God is not working in lives, through churches and other groups to bring help and hope to every place in the world. in fact, quite the opposite is true.
this is the issue i take with the Onion’s cynicism. God IS active all around the world because He has activated His people to go all over the planet giving help and hope. some places are worse than others, but that doesn’t mean that our Jesus has failed.
we must be led by God as individuals and churches SO THAT He can send us out to the individual places where He wants us to bring help and hope. He sends His people out on purpose. some to Haiti. some to the Sudan. some to Hong Kong. some to Los Angeles.
God’s plan is for everywhere, not only where it’s ‘the worst’ at the time. and He has been sending His people to Haiti faithfully, as He always does. and He will continue to bring His mercy and compassion to every part of the world as His people faithfully follow in His leading.
our part is to help, to pray and to go where He sends us, whether that is 5,000 miles away or next door. God is faithful. we must be faithful too.
The Onion piece correctly points out that there was a lack of any sort of cultural consciousness in America about Haiti prior to the earthquake. Now, it’s, like, trendy and stuff to care about Haiti.
What happens to Haiti after the shine of being the charity case du jour wears off?
The very thing Dee Dee points out is what makes me feel ill when I go every where and see “Help Haiti signs”. In 6 months all those signs will be down and nearly no one will have done anything to impact the long term solution for Haiti.
If you were not “being compassionate” and “loving well” when it wasn’t “cool” don’t tell me all about what you are doing now.
We all need to have compassion and love well always, regardless of what the media and others tell us is the cool charity, the next need, the current trending tragedy. Who might be in your front yard, your back yard, or right next door? On top of that, in addition to it, what is happening in the rest of the world?
I was really struck when I saw this article in the Onion to, but I was too chicken to link to it.
Kelly – I hear what you’re saying but may I also interject that I don’t think those suffering in Haiti care at all WHY people here are helping. They don’t have the luxury of analyzing motives. They just need help.
It’s great when anyone takes action to help. Whatever their motives. My prayer is that people’s hearts will follow their hands.