This is LuChanda Turner. Our cat. We found her outside of Chico, California, on the side of the road along with three other cats. She was a kitten, probably about four weeks old. She was the nasty one. She was the one that climbed inside our tire between the wheel and the brake pads and wouldn’t get out. She’s the one that bit me several times and made me want to just get in the car and start driving. That would get her out.

Originally her name was Turner. We thought she was a boy. We were wrong. She is a girl, and needed a name. Mrs. Turner she became. After being mocked in social circles for never actually having a first name, I gave her the official name of LuChanda Turner.

She reminds me of Courtney Love. She thinks she is really glamorous, but deep down she is a dirty, dirty girl. LuChanda Turner would most likely be addicted to heroin if she were a human. And she would wear those old dirty prom dresses that are pink and ripped at the bottom. She would cuss a lot too.

LuChanda Turner has been in our family longer than we have had kids, and has always been filthy. She has given birth to several offspring from different fathers, before she was fixed, has eaten several dead animals, and not even felt bad about it. She even urinated in the heater vent in our bathroom once. She’s a nasty, Courtney Love cat, but she’s our nasty, Courtney Love cat.

… and her name is easier to say than “Biernt”.